and I hate it.
I took this photo at our local El Salvadoran restaurant. I love the colors of the umbrellas and the combination of lights. The bright hues of pinks and blues, underneath a cloudy sky made me feel a sense of safety and joy. The music was loud, and festive! The air was warm and filled with scent of fresh foods and the sound of laughter.
But even with that. One simple phone call sent me into tears. One call from my mom that changed my perspective of everything around me.
“Someone else in the family is pregnant” she said in her best comforting voice. “I wanted you to hear it from me… I’m sorry. You guys are doing the right thing!”
Suddenly the umbrellas turned gray, and the lights were an ugly hue of green. The fun music and laughter behind me became muffled, and my drink started tasting sour. Jason watched as my face twitched and dropped. My cheeks swelled as my eyes turned a watery brown color.
I was jealous.
Jealous.
Envy was never something I struggled with growing up. I was usually pretty happy when people got things. The only other time I remember was when everyone got cars after turning 16, but even then I made the best of it.
But something about babies. Children. Pregnancy. Motherhood. I want it. I’m ready.
I’m healthy. I can have kids whenever I want. If it were up to me it would be now, but it’s not the right time. We want to be smart and bring our kids into stability. We’re so close to paying our debts from moving, why wouldn’t you want to take the opportunity? I want to take the opportunity! I want to set our family up for success!
But still….
I’m jealous.
I’m jealous that people don’t have to think as hard about their finances.
I’m jealous people feel like they don’t have to plan. Or if they’re already at a better state with money.
Jealousy is so heavy and gross, ugh I hate it! It’s not me! Plus all those statements sound so mean! But that’s what in my head.
Because I could just do it, I could just start trying to have kids. But I know that’s not what is best.
I know that God is telling me to wait.
“Wait Leah.” His Voice tells me in the stillness.
Jason and our therapist always ask me what the root of the issue is. They’ve been asking me for months now and I couldn’t answer until sitting underneath those umbrellas.
“But God they don’t have to wait on you! They get to be at the next step. I want to be a mom! You just made them pregnant and they aren’t even ready for parenthood!”
Which is a bold statement because how can I claim someone isn’t ready for a life event? Also, everyone is waiting for something. Marriage, a job, family, friends, and anything else you can think of. I know someone out there is wanting something that I have. Because that’s how it works.
We’re all waiting on something.
Reanna Hoffmann put it best:
“Waiting can feel passive. Lonely. Like your life is on pause. But biblically? Waiting is anything but stagnant. It’s deeply active. It’s courageous. It’s full of faith.” -In The Waiting Podcast
Even Jesus practiced waiting when He was on earth.
So yes, as much as I’m not proud of it, I do get jealous. But I’m glad I serve a God who can chip away at my anger. He will soothe all things and make me see the beauty on the other side.
This was a vulnerable post from me, but I do hope you can relate! Pray for me during the journey and let me know what you think!
Kyrie Eleison- Lord have mercy upon us.
Angus Dei- Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world….. Grant us thy peace.
Until next time!!!