So What's The Secret?

What is marriage really like?

This Friday will mark 4 years since Jason and I got married. I hear it all the time: “I just want to be married,” but to whom? To a man or woman who doesn’t value your strengths? Who doesn’t take your dreams or thoughts seriously? Because life doesn’t stop because you’re married.

Trust me. Yesterday, we woke up laughing in bed on a misty day, our favorite moments. He held me and told me jokes under the covers, and everything seemed normal. We decided to get breakfast at Waffle House, and an hour later, I was hospitalized for a reaction to a cross-contamination of peanut butter (I’m highly allergic). As best as I could, I watched my husband turn into my caretaker as he rushed through traffic with the flashers on, speeding through back streets. Cursing as a slow car got in front of him. I felt his hand raise me as he kept me from passing out in the seat. I don’t know how he did it. Or has done it.

I never realized all the hats he has to wear. Some days, I need him to help me take down my hair and wash it, so he becomes my hairstylist. Some days I need him to cook, so he becomes my private chef. Most days, I just need him to hold me in bed and tell me secrets, and help me forget about the world. Every day I need him to laugh with me, so he stays my best friend.

“Only Leah, only you,” he said to me after I was stable in the hospital. I gave him a weak smile and shrugged. He then proceeded to make me laugh until I couldn’t breathe. Which is saying a lot because I already couldn’t breathe from the reaction. Today, he had to take care of me by cooking, cleaning, and checking on me.

In return, I took care of him by reassuring him about starting zoloft. Moving back home, I realized that his anxiety was taking a toll on his mental state. Even with all the work he did to help, his body still needed an extra boost. Starting anxiety medication was hard for him because he felt like a failure. Like he was giving up on all the hard work he put in. I was the one who had to talk him through, who had to learn what to say, so I didn’t come on too harshly. I’m a fix-it girly, so sometimes when I see a solution, I’m ready to go. Cool, all done here. We got what we need, let’s keep moving! But Jason needs time to process, to grieve what was known before, and move forward in his time. Today, before he took his first pill, I prayed that God would let me see him and release the control I had. In that moment, I didn’t need any other hats; I just needed to be his wife.

I just needed to be his wife.

Have to ever thought about that? What a simple answer that so many people skip over. Sometimes, all it takes is to show up for someone as just you. Their spouse. The thing you said “I do” to. Because it’s easy to be the caretaker, the provider, or even the comic relief. But it’s much harder to be the wife or husband who has to give up their way of thinking in honor of thier spouse. To solely listen without judgment or coming up with a quick solution to move to the next thing.

I read an incredible quote today from

Jombo

:

“And it hit me.
You can spend six months preparing for a wedding…
And spend six years unlearning what you should’ve prepared for.”

-Don't just prepare for a wedding. Prepare for a Life

When you think about marriage, are you thinking of being a wife or husband? Or are you just thinking about marriage? Because there is a stark difference. Marriage cannot exist unless you show up as husband or wife. Because out of all the hats he wears, my favorite is him just being my husband. Nothing more, nothing less. If you’re single or married, I challenge you to pray for more than just marriage. Pray for God to make you into the right wife or husband. That’s it. That’s the secret. Or, at least one of them.

Kryrie Eleison, my friends. May his perpetual light shine upon you forever, world without end, amen.

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