Talk to Me, Talk to Me, Talk to Me, Baby!
“Do you guys cuddle every night?”
Was a question my godsister asked me this past weekend. I looked at her and laughed because I couldn’t imagine cuddle during these sweltering southern nights in Georgia. But she was serious, and eagerly waiting for my response. When I said no, and explained that we typically don’t cuddle unless we’re watching TikTok, or just in a cuddling mood.
“It’s way too hot and I would get annoyed. I like having my space. I love knowing that he’s there but also don’t touch me” I said with a laugh.
She smiled and agreed. I quickly interjected that every couple is different and that whenever she get’s married that might be her thing with her husband. But, she was very curious as to what couples did behind closed doors. The day to day actions that take place when we get ready for work, or come home to each other. Which I encourage for her to ask about because she’s in a new relationship and is excited about the possibility of marriage.
My godsister isn’t that only one that’s asked me that, I get this question quite often and unlike her excitement, I’m met with a slight disappointment in my answers. Especially when I answer no to having sex every night. Which, ok, side note, is ridiculous because do people not understand that sex is biological and you can’t stay horny! It varies, even in men. But I digress. Every couple is unique, and yes there might be a couple that has sex everyday (God bless them, I’m tired just thinking about it), but on the average, a healthy married couple just simply… exists. We laugh, we talk, we argue, we hangout, we play, then we go to bed. Most days it really is that simple. In fact it’s what I crave the most.
I’ve often pondered on why these romanticized ideas happen so strongly within the Christian community. I get it to an extent, we wait to have sex, live together, etc. But, ultimately there were parameters I took to eliminate naivety within my relationship, especially when we knew we were getting married. The main parameter being that we talked. A lot. About everything. Sex, masturbation, porn, cooking, how we did laundry, our childhood norms, cleanliness standards, how we celebrated holidays, parenting, and anything else you can think of. My goal was to know everything I could, and not to eliminate the unknown for marriage, but also because I was genuinely interested. I loved knowing that nooks and crannies of Jason’s brain and how he operated. It was deeply fascinating. But, after talking with different couples at church, I quickly realized that some couples don’t talk, even after years of marriage.
Evangelical churches also have a bad habit of encouraging people to just get married, and not encouraging the art of talking. Because for some, it doesn’t come naturally, and that’s ok, but it does not mean churches need to ignore it. After transitioning into Anglicanism, I noticed the differences even more. In the Anglican Church marriage is taught practically, and spiritually. It is also not overly spoken about to where singleness is looked down upon. It’s taught that knowing your spouse takes TIME and stresses your commitment to the Lord as most important.
Romanticizing is an action taken to make something seem better than what it is. It doesn’t leave room for negativity, or conflict. While I’m not saying that all evangelical churches teach marriage incorrectly, I do see a pattern. Especially after being in evangelical churches for 28 years. There were couples that genuinely didn’t know anything about their spouse, yet they still held them to an unreachable standard. The mundane of life becomes disappointing to them and they are left feeling empty. I’d argue that you should look forward to those moments. They are what make your spouse become your best friend.
I’ve said it multiple times in my posts, but there is divine beauty in the mundane. Right now, Jason is on one side of the couch editing a video, and I’m on the other end writing. We’re not touching or having sex, yet I feel a sense of connection and peace. In a few minutes we’ll share what we’ve been working on, and enjoy our passions together. Those are the moments I want people to crave because they make every other portion of marriage sweeter.
My other godsister (yes I was blessed with two, this one I’ve known longest) gave me a great quote today:
“There is a huge issues with religion encouraging naivety. It’s not bad to get to really know someone, ask personal questions, talk about dislikes, have boundaries, ask about sex. People try to keep it so surface level they are so naive about everything that they end up with someone they dont actually like”
When you meet up with your best friends what do you expect? In a healthy relationship you’re going to be your authentic self and chill. I recently watched a video a friend made online and it’s of her friends being themselves. No expectations, just pure joy and love. It’s the same for marriage. Yes you get all the benefits, but never take for granted the moments that solidify your marriage. the quiet parts that only you and that person see. Cling to the personal moments that are unique to your relationship and celebrate your mundane.
Well that’s all I got for ya! Lemme hear your beautiful voices in the comments. Feel free to share and like! Until next time.
Kyrie Eleison- Lord have mercy upon us
Agnus Dei- Oh lamb of God that takes away the sins of the world… grant us thy peace.
“ Cling to the personal moments that are unique to your relationship and celebrate your mundane. 👏🏾👏🏾