Where’s God When I’m Scared?

Hello.

Today I am writing this in the most unconventional way.

I’m at work, in the office, trying to hold it together.

I created a draft this morning from my kitchen, but when I got to work Substack decided to delete it. Just what I needed. Of course that one thing was enough to almost completely break down.

These past few weeks I have been triggered. My past bubbled its way up like lava in a volcano.

I was gaslighted by two people back to back and at first I tried to stay strong.

“Aren’t you upset?” Jason asked

“Me haha no! I’m a veteran with this!

narrator voice: “but little did she know she was indeed upset”

But I was upset. I was brought back to twenty year old self. Running through my childhood home with tears in my eyes. Midway through a mental breakdown.

My response to the two people was controlled. I didn’t respond to one person, and the with the second person I held my ground. But when I tried to sleep I felt my chest cave in and my body start to shake.

Friends. I’m weak. I’m tired. I’m mad that I wasn’t strong enough. That my Zoloft didn’t work hard enough. That all my time in therapy didn’t prep me.

When I woke up All I could think about today was the Veggies Tales VHS I used to watch. Where’s God When I’m Scared? Ft the song God Is Bigger Than The Boogie Man by Jr Asparagus. Because I feel like a little kid. Vulnerable and uncomfortable.

Getting gaslighted (gaslit?) is and will always be my biggest fear and trigger. Believing God is bigger than that is hard. But He is. Even if my mind chooses to doubt.

My joke is that I never want to go up to 50mgs for Zoloft again. 25 was my first win with that. I was close but God is prevailing. He will continue to direct me (and you)

Kyrie Eleison— Lord have Mercy