Mean Church Girls Pt 2: The Spirit Breakers
By Leah Watkins
Hi, I’m Leah, and I’m back with another unhinged topic about the church. I hope you’re all doing well! I’ve been in the process of moving back to my hometown and have been super busy. I’m so glad I can sit down, relax, and connect with you guys!
Today, I wanted to share a moment in my life that has been bothering me. As some of you know, my husband and I lived in Savannah, Georgia, for a year and a half. In that time, I learned a lot about myself and even more about others. I encountered a person who tried to break my spirit. Now that I am away from them, the sadness, confusion, and heartbreak are finally settling in. The worst part was that it was another sister in Christ, which breaks my heart even more.
For some clarity and background on me, I am, by all means, a hippy. A Jesus hippy, Christian hippy, or whatever name you want to place in there. I don’t like drugs, but I love to be in nature and see God’s creation up close. I hate shoes, so when summer comes around, I’m excited to feel the coolness of the grass and dirt. The wildflowers that grow in random spots help me remember that you can grow anywhere God places you. The sun and moon are a marvel to me, and remind me just how incredible this world is. And rain. Ugh. The smell of summer rain and the sound it makes as it hits the ground, priceless. God created all of this, and we get to enjoy it for FREE! It blows my mind and strengthens my faith in Him even more. My husband has done an incredible job of letting me be me, even with his more type-A personality. He knows sometimes I just need to look at the rain and hum to myself.
Recently, I had someone who didn’t like that I was the way I was. She tried in every way to break me. You know what I mean, right? It’s the person who finds everything you say to be wrong. A light-hearted story turns into an opportunity for that person to criticise you. Any mention of something that brings you joy is an open target for negativity. It’s probably one of the deepest forms of hurt for me, especially from other women. I’ve written about the mean church girls before (Read here), and I am ashamed to say that it still happens, even in my late twenties. My hippy dippy personality was never welcomed at the table she created. In fact, the table she built was so specific, I’m not even sure she knew who to invite.
“Why do you do that?” “I don’t listen to that kind of music,” “ok…? And?” “I don’t like talking about that.” All are the typical mean girl responses. They cut deep. It’s easy to say that the person is just miserable, but I feel like it’s more than that. While I do see the miserable side, I also see a curious side. A side that yearns to allow their truth to show. Maybe they're scared, maybe they don’t know how, but either way, the only thing they know to do is break your spirit. That way, they can have a chance to fit in.
With the girl who hurt me, I noticed all of the efforts of criticism were to try to make me more like her. She wanted me to like the same things she liked, listen to the same music, or have the same experiences as her. That way, she could feel less like an “outcast.” Even with all my efforts of trying to provide an inclusive space, she never wanted to relax and have fun. She thrived in complaining and being in control. She would mask it with churchy phrases that said, “I’m the better Christian.” Everything was a competition. My wedding, my life, my job, my marriage, all of it! What hurts the most is that I could see her trying to make me feel inadequate, and when it didn’t work, she stopped talking to me, unless she needed something from me.
Mean church girls will always be a hot topic for me. I don’t think they're analyzed enough, and I can see that their meaness comes from a fear of vulnerability. In my last post, a girl commented that she used to be a former mean church girl. Meaning, the awareness is out there, and girlhood can exist in the church. Spirit breakers are tough to deal with, but know that your personality is one in a million. The things people call weird are the things that God gave you to honor Him. Let your soul be tethered to God, and let your freedom in Him move you. Most importantly, build a table that has a seat for all. Remember that Judas ate too.
Has this happened to you? What side have you been on? Let me know if the comments!
Well, that’s all I got for you, cutesy folks, until next time! As always, please lemme hear your voice in the comments! Kyrie Eleison— Lord, have mercy upon us.
LR Watkins
A small update….
I have decided that all my work will now and forever be free and accessible to all. After having the paid subscription option, I felt guilty because I hated posting content that someone couldn’t see. I always talk about how my table is open, yet I closed it off because someone didn’t want to pay. It just didn’t sit right with me. So instead, after learning from my peers, I set up a Buy me a coffee page. If the Lord leads you, then feel free to donate, and if not, please enjoy all my work! Thank you to everyone!